10 Guidelines for Handling Conflict Constructively

Conflict is a natural part of any team or relationship.  It can be healthy or unhealthy for the relationship, depending on how it is handled.  When conflict is handled constructively, it promotes growth and problem solving.

The body builder knows that resistance actually grows and strengthens muscles.  Resistance can have the same effect on teams.  In teams, that resistance comes from the natural and necessary differences in such areas as background, training, personality style, values, pace or priority.  Blended together, these differences can create a balanced team represented by all perspectives.

On the other hand, when differences are judged or stereotyped by team members, the assets potentially gained from diversity become liabilities.  Resolving differences constructively is a key skill.

As people live and work together every day, they bring their histories...their past experiences, their family and social influences, and their work experiences.  From all these sources, they have formed attitudes and beliefs, which play out in the workplace every day.

Here are our top ten thoughts about handling conflict (based on the published work of Thomas Jordan)

 

1.       Ask yourself what it is you don’t know yet.  Keep in mind that you don’t know what story is foremost in other people’s minds.  Each individual has his or her own story about what is important and why.  Insight into these different stories can make a great difference for how you and other people handle conflict.  Take on conflict situations with an intention to understand more about what is going on.  Ask open-ended questions, questions that help you to understand the background of the conflict better.  People’s images of what is significant in special situations are important reasons for their actions.  These images can change, thereby changing the parties’ attitudes and actions.  Remember also to remain open to learning new things about yourself and how other people perceive you.  Maybe other parties feel that you have contributed more to the problems than you are aware of.

 

2.       Make a distinction between the problem and the person.  Formulate the conflict issues as shared problems that you have to solve co-operatively.  Abstain from blaming and voicing negative opinions about others.  State clearly what you feel and want and invite your counterpart to help in finding solutions.  Opinions and emotions should be expressed in ways that facilitate the process of achieving satisfying outcomes.  Keep in mind that there is always some kind of positive intention behind people’s actions, even if unskilfully expressed

 

3.       Be clear, straightforward and concrete in your communication.  State clearly what you have seen, heard and experienced that influenced your views in the matter at hand.  Tell the other person what is important to you, why you find it important, what you feel, and what you hope for.  Express your own emotions and frustrated needs in clear and concrete words.  Ask for the other person’s fears and needs in a way that conveys that you care about them.

 

4.       Keep talking.  Even if you have disagreed on an issue it is important to keep the communication going.  Work to improve your relationship even if issues seem impossible to resolve.  Offer to do something small that meets their needs and suggest small things that they can do to meet your own needs and wishes.  Even if marginal, such things can help to improve the relationship and move forward in a positive direction.

 

5.       Look for needs and interests that lie behind the issue. Look for alternatives and mutually acceptable ways of satisfying those needs and interests.  Regard blaming, accusations and negative opinions as unskilful ways of expressing yourself.  Show understanding for the feelings of the other person without letting yourself be provoked by their confrontations.  Find out what is really important and significant for yourself and keep those values and needs in mind during the course of the discussion.

 

6.       Avoid triggering defensiveness of the other person by blaming, accusing, criticising and diagnosing.  Extend appreciation and respect for them sincerely.  Show that you care about the issues and needs that are important to them.  Take responsibility for your own contribution to the conflict.

 

7.       Develop your ability to look at the conflict from a bird’s eye view.  Look back at the history of the conflict.  Notice what kinds of actions influence the tensions in positive and negative directions.  Develop your awareness of how you can influence the further course of events in a constructive direction. 

 

8.       Underlying every serious conflict is a value struggle.  People in the workplace judge their own behaviour as well as those of others by what they believe should be done, by the values that they hold.  The lack of trust runs most deeply when the individuals involved perceive that the others involved come from an opposing system of values.

 

9.       People have different personality and social styles, all of which are important for effective teamwork.  However, even good intentions often cannot prevent misunderstandings that can occur between people who think differently, approach tasks differently and communicate differently.  Personality style is important to understand.

 

10.   Recognising the potential for conflict early is the first step toward being able to do something about it.  Constructive discussion of the different views can build bridges over which ongoing dialogue and work can freely pass.