Top Ten Tips on Assertiveness

 

What is assertiveness?

Assertive communication is the ability to express positive and negative ideas and feelings in an open, honest and direct way.  It recognises our rights whilst still respecting the rights of others.  It allows us to take responsibility for ourselves and our actions without judging or blaming other people.  It allows us to constructively confront and find a mutually satisfying solution where conflict exists.

There are many advantages to assertive communication:

Ø  It helps us to feel good about ourselves and others

Ø  It leads to the development of mutual respect with others

Ø  It increases our self esteem

Ø  It helps us achieve our goals

Ø  It minimises hurting and alienating other people

Ø  It reduces anxiety

Ø  It protects us from being taken advantage of by others

Ø  It enables us to make decisions and free choices in life

Ø  It enables us to express, both verbally and non-verbally, a wide range of feelings and thoughts, both positive and negative.

There are six main characteristics of assertive communication:

Ø  Eye contact: demonstrates interest, shows sincerity

Ø  Body posture: congruent body language will improve the significance of the message

Ø  Gestures: appropriate gestures help to add emphasis

Ø  Voice: a level, well modulated tone is more convincing and acceptable and is not intimidating

Ø  Timing: use your judgement to maximise receptivity and impact

Ø  Content: how, where and when you choose to comment is probably more important than what you say.

Tips

1.   Use “I” statements; these indicate ownership, do not attribute blame and it is also direct and honest.

2.   “Seek first to understand, then be understood” (Stephen Covey) Listen carefully to what the other person has to say first, acknowledge their position and then speak your truth.

3.   Breathe deeply; it helps to keep you calm and when you are calm you will sound more assertive.

4.   Think before you react; create a space between what is being said to you and you giving your response.  Those extra seconds to pause and consider will help you to respond more assertively.

5.   Be aware of your language; “You should....”, “You must....”, “You can’t....”, “I understand, but.....” is the perfect way to start an argument.  It will be seen as insulting, bossy and argumentative.  Take the ‘You’s’ and ‘buts’ out of your vocabulary and change them to “I...” or “And...” 

“I appreciate how you feel.  And this is how I feel...” is an assertive communication.

6.   Don’t hint at what you want to say. “Don’t you think...” or “People say...” The language of submission is self-effacing. “Don’t mind me...”, “Sorry to interrupt”, “Can I ask a question?”  Believe in yourself and the value you bring to the conversation.

7.   Ask for what you want.

8.   Aim to be on the same physical level as the other person – invite the other person to sit down; standing up can be seen as aggressive.

9.   Don’t shout or whisper.  Speak in an even, normal pace, using a normal pitch of voice.  When you are nervous, your voice often rises; a high pitched delivery is often associated with immaturity and can lead to loss of respect.

10. Look for the positive intent behind what the other person is saying and try to see the situation from their perspective.  Assertive communication is looking for a win-win outcome.